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Cycle

 
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PranaChild



Joined: 30 Dec 2011
Posts: 75

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:12 pm    Post subject: Cycle Reply with quote

Hmm okay a repetetive cycle/trap. I've had a job and not had a job trying to transition and nothing works. Either way i get angry/tired/frustrated. I'm edgy with people as I detox. I'll go 3 days not ingesting anything. Not by force, because I have this flap in my throat that doesn't want me to swallow anything. If i do it's out of force. So the first and second day i fast, i get extremely creative. The other day i designed an entire snow/skate/surf line. My mind was just exploding with creativity. What happens though is as i stop eating, I get extremely affected by pollution, and i get really "thirsty" and need to soak in water as that is the only way my body feels quenched. If i actually drink water, it makes me high, just like any other drug or food item. But a lot of times if I'm walking in the city and I feel extremely thirsty but there is no body of water to go into, I turn to drinking, then after I have water, I'm on the hunt for fruit, then after I have fruit, i want some sort of tea or bread .... and the cycle goes on. Then I feel so drugged I spend a whole day in bed. Even drinking water sent me into a 4 hour coma the other day. The creativity is over, and i'm depressed once again. Also as I detox, any noise, pollution, etc affects me so heavily after the third day that all i can think about is going to live in a mountain, in the forest somewhere. I could care less about the new things i create or the desire to learn an instrument because my mind is so focused on getting my body clean. I'm trying to do a yoga training at the moment and it is NOT working. Especially because all the other students eat right after they practice, which to me is putting on what you just released: fear, anger, etc. I feel anger and fear when i eat. The other day I bit into a mango and my mind immediately began to regret a decision i made in the past. When i eat i'm either living in the past (regretting) or the future (dreaming). When not eating/drinking, I'm facing the cold hard reality of the present moment, which is the feeling i have NOTHING in my life. No stamina to continue learning something (i've been trying to take classes to learn new things but like i said, detox has me so tired and braindead after the 3rd or so day, learning goes out the window) then i turn to drugs out of frustration. I also have no desire to have conversations with people because my throat starts hurting really bad and i just can't talk and/ór don't have the energy. I"m pretty much convinced that i won't have any sort of joyous life until i am off drugs\food for a good amount of time.
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sheen



Joined: 16 Jan 2012
Posts: 97
Location: Catalunya

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi.

It seems to me that you go from one extreme to the other. You either fast or overeat. That's something that I have experienced for some time. In my case I couldn't settle on any diet until I forced myself to be strictly fruitarian. Now, even when I have the desire to fast, I force myself to keep eating fruits, but I reduce the dosage. This way I progress steadily towards the good direction, without any hurry, but without stopping or going backwards.

By the way, I also have problems with my throat, sometimes I can't speak very well and it causes disturbance of social relationships. I think that it's related to anxiety and blockage of the throat chakra. Also, it gets much worse when there are chemtrails.
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PranaChild



Joined: 30 Dec 2011
Posts: 75

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi...

Yes extremes... Sad But the thing is when I'm in nature i don't even want food. Its the city, noise pollution, lots of people, etc that make me feel like HELL so i go eat. even if it is just fruit, i still feel extremely drugged. I feel guilty forcing anything, even water. But maybe you have a good method.

I just want a huge time out from everything I guess. There's radiation, pollution, chemtrails everywhere, except I only hear good things about Ecuador/Vilcabamba. I would move there in a heartbeat. Maybe eventually pollution wouldn't affect you ? once you were extremely clean? I dunno.

Steve Torrence if you read this can you comment on whether you feel the affects of pollution, etc? And how costly is it to move to Ecuador? Razz
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PranaChild



Joined: 30 Dec 2011
Posts: 75

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I slept really hard last night and had my third dream that I was swimming and could breathe under water. Fantastic dreams that I hate waking up. I felt all this food moving through my body and as the food was digesting/elminating, so were all the thoughts associated with them. I tried taking Deshimaru's advice and forced some fruit, only to feel so utterly nautious (sugar?) I had to go to the bathroom right away. Seems to happen daily. If i ingest anything, out it comes right away, leaving me with a bloated belly and fuzzy head. I can't seem to enjoy anything until i feel clean enough to be able to handle toxins, in the air and not let other people's moods around me, affect me. So back to the thought of going to live in nature somewhere for a while, pack the tent, backpack and drawing pad. Do yoga, let nature work its course. I'm trying not to feel "guilty" that i'm not 'strong enough" to do this while leading my normal life. I'm just so sensitive. But the love inside me is so grand. That's the only reason I keep trekking along, because I have felt the explosion of love inside me that knows someday it will live a very rich fulfilling life.
om shanti
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Lianna



Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Posts: 105
Location: Europe

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I can't seem to enjoy anything until i feel clean enough to be able to handle toxins, in the air and not let other people's moods around me, affect me. So back to the thought of going to live in nature somewhere for a while, pack the tent, backpack and drawing pad. Do yoga, let nature work its course. I'm trying not to feel "guilty" that i'm not 'strong enough" to do this while leading my normal life. I'm just so sensitive. But the love inside me is so grand. That's the only reason I keep trekking along, because I have felt the explosion of love inside me that knows someday it will live a very rich fulfilling life.


I have sometimes the same thougths and feelings... Often, I feel like not to belong to this society out there...
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sheen



Joined: 16 Jan 2012
Posts: 97
Location: Catalunya

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PranaChild wrote:
I tried taking Deshimaru's advice and forced some fruit, only to feel so utterly nautious (sugar?) I had to go to the bathroom right away.


I experienced something similar at the early weeks after starting the fruitarian diet. For some unknown reason, after eating grapes, they appeared at the stools almost intact, it was quite funny. Also when I ate apples on the morning I had stomach ache, and bananas gave me an acute pain on the palate, it was all very weird.

Then I thought that my Body was calling me for a fast, and so I did. But after three days of dry fasting, my body became like an skeleton, that emanciated I was. So I went right to the other extreme, I went to a supermarket and bought the most filthy stuff I found, and ate it like a deamon. It was quite a pleasure, but after that I fell sick.

Then I started a period with ups and downs, and many doubts arose, not only about food, but about everything. I had a very tough time. But finally I naturally settled on my current diet of fruits and raw nuts, which I believe it's not the ultimate one, nor it is the best, but it's the only diet that I can maintain for now. I can stand everything but doubts.

If I had to give you an advice, I would say that it's good to listen to your body and act accordingly, but sometimes the body has weird reactions as it adapts to new habits, and one has to simply let them pass, otherwise it becomes impossible to achieve any stable progress.

Cheers.
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PranaChild



Joined: 30 Dec 2011
Posts: 75

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 6:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm currently taking a yoga training and the past few days releasing a lot of emotion/anger/etc. The only time i think about eating is when i've just "released" something. This is how i know that food only feeds emotions. So I did not need to eat or drink at all. My energy increases and yesterday i danced my ass off for hours. I was extremely social and even went to a party and met some people. Many of them were smoking, I am unsure if "breathing" this smoke affected me. Anyway they made this huge home made italian meal and they kept offering me some so finally i though i would just have a "taste" as eating this was not out of some emotion, only due to connecting with people. BUt after just one bite it was like an immediate addiction. I wanted more and more! So today my face is puffy and i have anxiety again. My dream is still to have a place where people can come and get off "drugs." I like the idea of healing with others so there can be sharing, communicating, etc.
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Red
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote



Last edited by Red on Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PranaChild



Joined: 30 Dec 2011
Posts: 75

PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 9:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah the social part is pretty difficult, er VERY difficult. Especially holidays with the family too.

Also what causes me to go eat is because As i literally feel food moving through me, The emotions also come out. And THAT is what is the biggest problem for me. All of my short comings come out and i have to face them. All of the bullshit that has happened in my life, my anger. And on the opposite end is positive outlook on what I could do with my life, and how much of it has been spent in *misery* So I have polar opposite emotions blasting at me at the same time and it is, well, unbelievably difficult. I am extremely edgy with people, therefore I turn to food to stop the emotions that drive me insane. I have some interesting genetics (bipolar, lots of illness, depression) and I got a strange mix of it all.
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MicheleSt



Joined: 05 May 2012
Posts: 13

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"And it's not worth the effort of cleaning this s### (literally) out of the body. Not for a handful of minutes of "dining", with only a fraction of that being comprised of actually eating / tasting. There is no place for me at anyone's "dinner" table anymore."

This, I really have been experiencing as well lately.
Because I eat so little, if I do eat, like an avocado or something, it literally just is adding back in something to clean out again, for a few minutes of taste sensation. When around others I like, who are taking part together in eating, it just doesn't feel worth all the later work, and sacrificing the work I've already done, and all the humps gotten over, by even taking part a little. I don't even want to have a little fruit if I don't feel like it. Kinda feels like, 'I love you guys, but I'm not joining just to make it all a little more comfortable.'

'you lose the one thing you had in common with the rest of humanity.'

this, i don't feel is really true. eating is just one activity here. Don't we really have in common that we are all here, having no real idea what this life is about and just experiencing it and poking around? Breathing, seeing, feeling- it seems we have all this in common, no?
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Red
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote



Last edited by Red on Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:37 pm; edited 3 times in total
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MicheleSt



Joined: 05 May 2012
Posts: 13

PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the perspective change is a little bizarre now too. i mean, i personally, have not gone 'all the way' so can not say for sure yet, (still doing minimal liquids) but, it's a weird sensation to be watching everyone be so internally driven to put things in the mouth. It's not felt in a judgemental way at all, just a fascinated way. partly because the eating experience is so quickly passing. sex is the same way. the pleasure is SO brief! it's amazing how pulled mostly everyone seems to be to these things, when the 'payoff' seems so small compared to the work involved to get it, get rid of it, health issues, etc.
I have found that libido has all but vanished, and sometimes wonder if this is a low weight thing, or a perspective total shift, and if that will come back at any point.
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PranaChild



Joined: 30 Dec 2011
Posts: 75

PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for bringing up the libido thing... As I can feel my hormones trying to balance and feel energy 'down there'' it's not a feeling that i want to have sex. I feel the energy moving up my body, through my chakras. It's confusing though because I am attracted to beautiful people, men and women, like I am enthralled with beauty but desire no sexual act. I do however, love touching the body whether it is some sort of massage, hugging, whatever. I am also attracted to children as they just make me smile. So then I'm thinking DO I WANT CHILDREN? DO I WANT A PARTNER? Why am I so attracted to these things but still doesn't make sense to be with someone or have a personal family! Ever since I experimented with non eating, some new person is evolving but it's such a new person (as i was previously enthralled with being driven by the senses all my life minus 2 years) that it is so bizarre. it drives me completely insane but makes me laugh at the same time.
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